A Simple Guide to Life
 Part 3 of an essay by Robert Bogoda which, in clear and simple terms, offers thoughtful advice to help the lay Buddhist lead a householder's life in line with the Buddha's teachings.
9. A Happy Family Life
For the adult it is natural to love one person of the opposite sex. The lay Buddhist will recognize that there is nothing "sinful" or shameful in sex, and hence will not suffer from a guilt complex over sexual desire. At the same time he or she will be aware that sexual desire, like any other form of desire, must be regulated and controlled to avoid harm to oneself and to others.
In a successful marriage the contracting parties must realize that love is a sentiment far wider than sexual attraction. If one person really loves another, he or she has to learn to give without expecting anything in return. Only in this way can the problem of sex be solved satisfactorily. Further, the would-be partners should ask themselves, "What do I expect of my partner?" and should find out objectively to what extent the prospective partner has the requisite qualities. One might enlist the help of a trustworthy, balanced friend who has known the would-be partner for some time and might be in a better position to offer a correct evaluation. There are obvious dangers in being one's own marriage broker. Too often one is inclined to endow the would-be partner with qualities and virtues that she (or he) clearly lacks in the eyes of the unbiased observer. This danger has to be frankly acknowledged, for disillusionment might otherwise set in sooner or later, and then the stage is set for marital discontent and misery.
No doubt, in married life sex is important, but it must be kept in its proper place, as an expression of marital love. Sex is by no means the sole concern of married life; only when it is subordinated to personal love and affection does sexuality provide a truly satisfying emotional experience. Above and beyond sexual compatibility, a happy marriage calls for mutual understanding and adjustments, for sacrifices and selflessness, for tolerance and patience. Married life becomes truly a blessing rather than a curse when it is viewed as a partnership of two persons who are committed to think more of the partnership than they do of themselves, who are ready to make the mutual effort necessary to attain harmony and contentment.
Most married couples hope to have children. Children differ, for each brings his or her own kammic inheritance from many past lives, a kammic inheritance that includes potential tendencies that set the general tone and trend of the child's character. This fact indicates both the responsibilities and the limitations of the parents in the upbringing of their children.
The child spends most of the formative years of his or her life at home, and early in life learns to follow by imitation the values and lifestyle of the parents. Schools and other influential agencies cannot supplant or replace the parents. Buddhist parents should recognize their solemn obligation to serve as models for their children. They should therefore regularly observe the Five Precepts and show their children by example that the Dhamma yet lives and rules their daily lives. Parents must be aware that the child has immense potentials for both good and evil, and thus must fulfill their responsibility to help the child to develop his or her potential for good and to check the potential for evil. It is only if parents bestow their loving care and attention on their child that the child will be able to satisfy the hopes and aspirations of the parents.
The Buddha has advised parents to guide their children, to supply their needs, to see to their education, to give them in marriage at the proper time, and to attend to all other aspects of their well-being. Unfortunately, however, many parents today do not discharge these duties, with the result that too often children go astray. Responsible Buddhist parents must be prepared to forgo their own pleasure in order to attend to the upbringing of their children. They must realize that the home influence is ultimately what matters most in forming the child's character, outweighing all other outside influences to which the child may be exposed. In areas where the parents lack adequate expertise, they should be prepared to consult a non-technical manual on proper child rearing.
The first five years of a child's life are the most crucial in the formation of his or her character, and it is at this stage that they are most susceptible to the influence of the parents. Thereafter the needs of the child change, and will continue to change radically at different stages of development. Parents should remember this and meet the new needs as they arise.
In the early years three factors are essential for balanced and wholesome growth: parental love and affection; a stable home environment; and scope for creative activity and personal initiative. Young children learn largely by imitation. If parents show emotional maturity, avoid quarrels, respect and trust each other, and do likewise with their children, then the children will develop characters that are sound both morally and psychologically. When the child is brought up with love and understanding, with insight into his or her changing needs, nourished with high ideals and lofty aspirations, then he or she will have a secure foundation upon which to build a character and a future. In this way the very first steps along the Buddha's path will have been well planted.
Adolescence is a period of stress and strain, when children may be inclined to rebel against parental authority. It is therefore at this stage that the greatest love and understanding are called for. In adolescence, as the sexual instinct awakens, sensible Buddhist parents should be capable of guiding their children and helping them to adjust to the changes taking place in their bodies and their lives. When children ask their parents questions about sex, the parents should be ready to answer them calmly and briefly in a matter-of-fact way, just as they would answer any other question. If parents are unable to tell the adolescent children the facts of life in an unself-conscious manner they might give them a suitable book to enable them to instruct themselves about the subject. Above all, in this age of sexually provocative entertainment, irresponsible promiscuity, and an exploding AIDS epidemic, withholding vital information is not a means of protecting the youngster but of exposing him or her to danger.
When parental control, supervision, and proper guidance are lacking, the children often incline to delinquency and drugs. Parents should therefore take greater interest in their children, should spend more time with them, should know how they use their leisure, and should make the acquaintance of their friends. Real problem children are few; it is only problem parents who are many.
As the child reaches maturity it is the duty of the parents to help him wisely choose a suitable career as well as a mate, but the child's wishes in these spheres have to be respected. To order the young person about as if he or she were still a child is only to invite trouble.
Since we live in a world of keen competition in many areas of life, wise Buddhist parents will limit the size of their family in order to give their children the best. In developing countries like Sri Lanka, where the rate of reproduction is generally higher than the rate of production of real wealth, this is a necessary measure to eliminate poverty, especially among the working classes in both town and countryside, whose families are generally large with many dependants. Buddhism is not opposed to population control, except by means of abortion, and with the world's resources dwindling today under dense population pressure, Buddhist parents should recognize the need for family limitation to ensure the best for the children.
In a country like Sri Lanka it is the duty of the state to popularize family limitation by making freely available safe, effective, and inexpensive methods of birth control. Production that is centered on the population at large -- rather than on enhancing the wealth of a privileged few -- using appropriate technology, with just distribution of resources and extensive family planning, will increase real wealth and help to improve the quality of life of the masses, provided they also cultivate a wise sense of values. Otherwise they will always remain poor.
The moral and spiritual edification of the children should accompany their physical and emotional development. As they grow up, parents should teach them the essentials of the Buddha-Dhamma, using simple language and everyday examples. They should explain the working of the moral law of kamma and rebirth, should instruct them in the proper rules of conduct, and should clarify the reasons for practicing virtue in daily life. Furthermore, in a Buddhist country children should be regularly taken to the temple, especially on quiet days. They should be enrolled in Dhamma school if such is available, and should be encouraged to ask their questions and discuss their problems with wise and virtuous bhikkhus. The Dhamma, after all, is intended to guide us in how to live this very life we are leading now. It is the art of happiness here and now, and the path to deliverance in the hereafter.
Materialism is steadily eroding traditional values, moral, spiritual, and social. The influence of materialism now reaches even the remote villages, the ancient strongholds of the Buddhist way of life. But young people who have been rightly brought up by Buddhist parents to discover the value of the Dhamma for themselves are unlikely to be led astray.
10. The Practice of Benevolence
The desire to do good, to bring about the happiness and well-being of others, is effectively cultivated in Buddhism by the systematic practice of the four "sublime attitudes" (brahmavihara): lovingkindness (metta), compassion (karuna), altruistic joy (mudita), and equanimity (upekkha). By cultivating these qualities a Buddhist can gradually remove the mental defilements such as hatred, cruelty, and envy, and bring into being the most exalted virtues. The sublime attitudes elevate human beings to a divine-like stature; they break the barriers that separate individuals and groups; they build bridges more solid than those constructed of stone and steel.
1. Metta is goodwill, lovingkindness, universal love; a feeling of friendliness and heartfelt concern for all living beings, human or non-human, in all situations. The chief mark of metta is a benevolent attitude: a keen desire to promote the welfare of others. Metta subdues the vice of hatred in all its varied shades: anger, ill-will, aversion, and resentment. The Buddha said:
Hatreds do not cease through hatreds
Anywhere at anytime.
Through love alone do they cease:
This is an eternal law.
(Dhp. v. 5)
This stanza is of special significance to us in this nuclear era when the most appalling destructiveness has erupted all over the globe. Peace will never be achieved by meeting force with force, bombs with bombs, violence with retaliation. Metta or lovingkindness is the only effective answer to violence and destructiveness, whether by conventional weapons or nuclear missiles.
2. Karuna is the attitude conveyed by such terms as compassion, sympathy, pity, and mercy. Its basic characteristic is sympathy for all who suffer, and it arouses a desire to relieve or remove the pain and suffering of others. Karuna helps to eliminate callousness and indifference to others' woes. It is the direct antidote to cruelty, another vice common in the world today. It is compassion that prompts one to serve others selflessly, expecting nothing, not even gratitude, in return.
3. Mudita is altruistic joy, appreciative joy: the desire to see others rejoicing in their happiness, the ability to share the happiness and success of others. This attitude is the complement of karuna: while karuna shares the sorrow of others, mudita shares their joy. Mudita is the direct antidote to envy. Envy arises over the good fortune of others: it resents those who achieve position, prestige, power, and success. But one who practices mudita will not only be happy when others do well, but will try to promote their progress and welfare. Hence this attitude is of vital importance for achieving social concord and peace.
4. Upekkha, the last of the four sublime attitudes, is equanimity. Upekkha establishes an even or balanced mind in an unbalanced world with fluctuating fortunes and circumstances: gain and loss, fame and ill-repute, praise and blame, pleasure and pain. Upekkha also looks upon all beings impartially, as heirs to the results of their own actions, without attachment or aversion. Upekkha is the serene neutrality of the one who knows.
The constant, methodical, and deliberate cultivation of these sublime virtues in everyday life transforms the attitudes and outlook of the practitioner. They should be the foundation of all Buddhist social action, as well as of individual and collective peace and harmony. Buddhist social welfare work may take many forms, but what is most essential is the spirit in which it is performed. This spirit should be marked by the subordination of the private good to the good of the whole. For Buddhist social work to be of real value, action should spring from genuine love, sympathy, and understanding for one's fellow humans, guided by knowledge and training. Welfare work should be the perfect expression of compassion, untouched by condescension, washed clean of pride -- even of the pride of doing good. It should be a sheer manifestation of the brotherhood of all human beings.
The four sublime attitudes should be diligently cultivated with unremitting effort by every true follower of the Master. These qualities never become obsolete. They convey a universal message which transforms us into universal human beings.
11. Freeing the Mind
Mind occupies the pre-eminent place in Buddhism, for everything that one says or does first arises in the mind as a thought. To have a well-trained mind is indeed to possess a treasure. When a person trains the mind, turns inward to examine and cleanse his own mind, he will find therein a vast storehouse of happiness. Real happiness is a quality of the mind which has to be sought and found in the mind. The Buddha teaches that non-attachment to worldly pleasures is a greater happiness than the enjoyment of worldly pleasures. Nibbana is the highest happiness, the happiness of relief from suffering and from repeated birth, and this happiness is only to be attained by freeing the mind from its defilements.
The misguided worldling thinks otherwise. In his view the enjoyment of sensual pleasures is the only real happiness. He forgets, however, that sensual happiness arises merely from the gratification of desire, and thus that this happiness must fade when the desired object is obtained. Nor will the multiplication of desires make sensual pleasure permanent, for there is no permanence in the passing. The pursuit of sensual pleasures ends only in restlessness and dissatisfaction.
The aim of Buddhist mental culture is to gain direct intuitive knowledge of the real nature of existence by systematic training of the mind through meditation. This practice issues in detachment and thus frees the mind from its delusions. Meditation leads the mind from the pain-laden things of the world to the sorrowless, transcendent state of deliverance, Nibbana. The basic cause of rebirth and suffering is ignorance of the true nature of life. We consider what is passing, unsatisfactory, and empty to be permanent, a source of true happiness, and substantial. This delusion sustains the craving for more existence and leads to the accumulation of kamma. Meditation is designed to lead step-by-step to the dissolution of these delusions and thereby to freedom from the grip of craving.
There are two kinds of meditation recognized in Buddhism: the development of tranquillity (samatha-bhavana), which emphasizes concentration, and the development of insight (vipassana-bhavana), which emphasizes wisdom. These two types of meditation respectively correspond to the second and third groups of the Noble Eightfold Path, the concentration group and the wisdom group. Concentration means one-pointedness of the mind, the ability to fix the mind on a single object to the exclusion of all else. Concentration is not an end in itself, but to be developed primarily because it is the basis for wisdom, the ability to see things exactly as they are. It is this wisdom that frees the mind from bondage.
To train the mind is not at all easy, for the mind has long been accustomed to flow in the channels of greed, hatred, and delusion; through ages we have relished sense pleasures, raged with anger, wallowed in torpor, fidgeted restlessly, and vacillated with doubt. Such habits are indeed difficult to break. Moreover, it is the very nature of the untrained mind to wander from one idea to another. Thus when the meditator sits down to begin the practice, strange thoughts may dance before his mind. To overcome these disturbances, the Buddha has taught five methods of expelling distracting thoughts:
1. Develop a good thought opposed to the distracting one; for example, develop a thought of lovingkindness to expel a thought of hatred.
2. Reflect on the evil consequences of distracting thoughts; for example, ill will or anger may lead to harsh words or an exchange of blows, to making enemies, or to something worse.
3. Turn the mind away from the disturbing thought and fix it on some beneficial idea or towards some useful activity.
4. Trace the cause of the uprisen evil thought and reflect on whether it will serve any useful purpose.
5. Struggle directly with the evil thought to crush it and subdue it.
At the outset meditation will be a continual effort to pull the mind back whenever it strays from the subject of meditation. It will seem impossible to focus the attention on the selected subject for more than a few seconds at a stretch. With continued practice, however, one will refine one's skills until one can keep the mind focused steadily and calmly on the chosen topic for increasingly longer periods. Then the practice becomes more engaging, more rewarding, and also less tiring. Eventually one's efforts will culminate in one-pointedness of mind, samadhi.
With the attainment of the one-pointed mind, the meditator turns this pure, steady, clear mind to the contemplation of existence itself. This marks the beginning of vipassana-bhavana, the meditative development of insight. The meditator mindfully investigates his own compound of the "five aggregates." He sees that the body, or form, is made up of changing physical qualities, while mind itself consists of fleeting mental factors: feeling, perception, mental formations (intentions, emotions, thoughts, desires, etc.), and consciousness. He sees that these all occur in mutual dependence, all in a flow. There is no substantial self, no immortal soul within them to be called "I" or "mine." As the impermanence, the unsatisfactoriness, and the selfless nature of the five aggregates become manifest to the meditator, he realizes that nothing conditioned is worth clinging to; for everything conditioned is fleeting, and in the fleeting it is impossible to find stable happiness. This is pañña, wisdom, the third and final stage in the Noble Eightfold Path.
With the development of wisdom, ignorance ceases in all its forms and shades. Craving and kamma, the fuel for the flame of becoming, is exhausted, and no more fresh fuel is supplied. Hence the flame of existence burns out for lack of fuel. When such a person who has reached the goal passes away, he no longer takes rebirth in any realm of becoming. He has attained Nibbana, the Deathless.
12. Mindfulness of Breathing
Mindfulness of breathing (anapanasati) is an excellent subject of meditation particularly useful to the busy layperson, as it can be practiced safely by anyone, anywhere, at any time. To practice this type of meditation, one should first adopt a seated meditation posture. Those who can sit comfortably in full lotus or half-lotus posture may adopt those positions; those who find this difficult may assume any cross-legged sitting posture that enables them to hold upright the upper part of the body; those who find even this difficult may sit on a straight-backed chair. The torso should be held erect but not stiff; the hands should be placed one over the other on the lap; and (for those who sit in a chair) the feet should rest on the floor.
The meditator should then breathe calmly and naturally, mentally following the whole breath in and out without a break in attentiveness. At the outset one should simply breathe in and out without reflecting about it. One may fix the attention on the nostrils or upper lip, wherever the breath is felt most distinctly as one breathes in and out. There the attention should remain.
As one proceeds with the observation of the breath, one becomes more and more deeply concentrated upon it. One then feels light in body and mind, very calm and peaceful; one may even feel as if one were floating in the air. When strong calm is established and the mind becomes one-pointed, one may then turn one's attention towards the development of insight (vipassana), aiming to gain direct insight into the true nature of existence. This type of meditation, when successful, leads by stages to the realization of Nibbana.
Apart from its ultimate benefits, mindfulness of breathing has an immediate value that can be seen in one's daily life. It promotes detachment and objectivity. It allows one the mental distance needed to arrive at wise decisions in the countless difficulties of daily life. Regular practice of this meditation brings increased concentration and self-control, improved mindfulness, and is also conducive to healthy and relaxed living.
13. Facing Death with Equanimity
Death is the only absolutely certain thing in life, yet how many of us plan for it and prepare ourselves adequately in advance to face it calmly? All human beings must die. The body disintegrates, breaks apart, and turns to ashes and dust. The only thing we own that remains with us beyond death is our kamma, our intentional deeds. Our deeds continue, bringing into being a new form of life until all craving is extinguished. We are born and evolve according to the quality of our kamma. Good deeds will produce a good rebirth, bad deeds a bad rebirth.
The materialistic view that a human being is merely a biological result of the union of sperm and ovum which utterly terminates in death is inadequate as a total explanation of human life. Nature and nurture, heredity and the environment, cannot by themselves explain, for example, why twins born of the same parents, physically almost identical, enjoying equal privileges, brought up in the same environment, often exhibit widely different characteristics, mental, moral, and emotional. Moreover, science would meet difficulties accounting for the existence of infant prodigies and the recollection of past lives, particularly by children.
A realistic Buddhist, knowing that death is inevitable, plans for it and trains himself to face it with equanimity. He also knows that the best way to plan for death is to lead a virtuous and upright life. Thus the devoted Buddhist regularly observes the Five Precepts, performs many kind and generous acts, and endeavors to lessen his greed and hate. The fact that one has led a blameless life will be an added solace and source of strength at death. The fear of death then loses its force and sting.
In preparing for death, a householder should fulfill his obligations to his family, to others, and to his religion. In practice, this means leaving behind a sufficient income for one's family, making out a proper last will, planning one's own funeral arrangements, and providing funds for the maintenance of virtuous and learned monks who observe the rules of discipline and who can preach the correct Dhamma.
The Buddha teaches his lay followers, as well as the monks and nuns, that they should often reflect on the inevitability of death: "Death is certain, life is uncertain" (maranam niyatam, jivitam aniyatam). These words are a clarion call reminding us of the need to put our own house in order, morally and philosophically, without delay, and to face each day as if it were our last. The world of today would indeed be a happier and safer place to live if people the world over would only pay heed to this call.
14. The Good Buddhist
The preceding sections of this essay will help the Buddhist lay follower to understand, from a practical angle, the main points of the Buddha's teachings as they bear on the conduct of daily life. Constant practice of these principles will ensure that they are built into his character, enabling him to develop into a well-rounded human being, a center of sanity in a confused world adrift in fashionable philosophies full of empty promises.
At the very minimum a lay follower of the Buddha must keep the Five Precepts, which enables him to develop virtue in regard to his bodily and verbal behavior. But one should not stop with this. One who seeks the true perfection of happiness must also attend to the cultivation of the mind. One must be mindful of the arising of unwholesome states such as greed, anger, and delusion, and know how to deal with them effectively when they threaten to throw one off balance. One should proceed even further and attempt to cultivate the mind systematically through the practice of meditation for tranquillity and insight.
The society in which we live is a reflection of the minds of the human beings who have created that society. If our society has become corrupt, rife with immorality, and destructive of the higher potentials of human nature, that is because the people who comprise that society have allowed themselves to drift into corrupt and immoral states of mind. The quality of a society inevitably rests on the quality of the lives led by the persons who make up that society. One single individual may not be able to change the whole society for the better. But each one of us can, at any rate, transform the world of our own mind.
How is this to be done? By observing the Five Precepts flawlessly, by being as mindful as possible in everyday life, by cleansing the mind of its blemishes, by cultivating the four sublime states, by meditating energetically every day, by listening to discourses on the Dhamma and clarifying one's doubts about the teaching. By following these guidelines one is sure to reap their fruits: peace of mind, contentment, the absence of inner conflicts even in the midst of our confusing and chaotic world.
A good Buddhist should ever seek the opportunity to do deeds of mercy, kindness, and charity. He should be keen on helping those less fortunate than himself. When practicing giving, however, one should give with discrimination, as the Buddha advises: viceyya danam databbam. Thus the most needy will be benefited with the things they need most.
A good Buddhist should set apart a few minutes every day to review the day's happenings, and to see whether or not he has strayed from the Master's teachings. If so, he should inquire why he has done so in order to avoid a future repetition. Methodical reading on the Dhamma will also help one to put the whole of life into the right perspective. It is a useful habit to read daily an inspiring discourse of the Buddha, such as the Maha-Mangala Sutta, or to recite some verses of the Dhammapada and reflect for a few moments on their relevance to one's own life. Doing so will help one to forget one's trifling worries and troubles, to clarify one's thinking, and to recall the ultimate values and truths upon which one should build one's life.
The Buddha's teachings consist of virtue, concentration, and wisdom. Only with their practice will the Buddha-Dhamma flourish; when they are neglected, the Buddha-Dhamma will decline. This fact should always be remembered by those who are anxious to avert the decline and disappearance of the Sasana. As religion withers the world over, more and more attention is paid to empty rites, rituals, and ceremonies, while little or no attention is paid to the actual practice of the principles of religion as they bear on real life. It is this, however, that matters most.
By following the above guidelines, a good Buddhist will grow in all aspects of the Dhamma. These guidelines will help to mould one's whole personality, to instil the true principles of the Dhamma into one's understanding, to train the emotions and to discipline the will. Doing so will conduce to the ultimate best interest of oneself, and help one to make one's life a blessing for others as well.
May you and I and all other beings be well and happy.
Copyright © 1994 Buddhist Publication Society. Published with the kind permission of Access to Insight.
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